Being Generous with Reassurance
Cyrus
My dog passed this week. He was a year and a half old. A red lab. It was cancer beyond treatment. I have been focusing on a lesson he taught me that has become very obvious in his absence.
This dog, Cyrus, would always be at the door, nose pressed against the glass, about to jump out of his skin with excitement when I came home. Or went outside for a moment. Or anytime I wasn’t petting him. He would patiently wait at the bottom of the stairs for me to come down and give him a few moments of affection. Anywhere I went, he followed.
Neil deGrasse Tyson, an American astrophysicist, explained that a day of a dog’s life is equivalent to a week of a human's life. This is the seven-to-one ratio, or “dog years.” It seems that some dogs know this because they make every day count. If you get in the car to go somewhere, it doesn’t matter where; they are ready to go. Come home after a trip or a walk to the mailbox; they are so excited you are back.
Why not pack that much joy and gratitude into every day? From this perspective, dogs have a powerful lesson to share.
It seemed my dog needed much reassurance. He would get scared easily and need to be shown affection quite a lot. It almost seemed like insecurity. Now that he’s gone, I see it a little differently.
When he came for what I saw as reassurance, he gave more than he wanted. If a dog or human looks to you for comfort, they are letting you know that you are a person that can provide comfort—this act, that can be waved off as neediness, can also be taken as reassurance of your worth.
I have seen more deeply how my perspective shifts things around. Cyrus would run up, look up at me, and rub against me to be petted. If it were a day that I needed some reassurance, I would see this as love. He came up to reassure me. If I was in a hurry or irritated, this was interpreted as being needy. The dog took the same action, but how I felt about it and the anthropomorphic intentions I would attribute to him, or what I would assume he was trying to do, would change.
Now that Cyrus is gone, it is clear how much more he gave than he ever wanted.
I am now looking deeper at how this same perspective shift can be applied to the little humans in my life that often need reassurance.
Bedtime offers the most examples. Going to bed with small children can be a rough time for many families. A perfect day can be ruined right at the end. Dragging out bedtime can seem like rebellion, but it is simply a need for reassurance. I often hear that some kids go berserk right at bedtime, and sometimes not the fun type of berserk. Other kids need something right at the last second, commonly a glass of water. This can be blamed on self-centeredness or not remembering to bring this up earlier, but I don’t think so.
Plenty of adults lie awake thinking at night. It’s a vulnerable time, alone with your thoughts, fears, and anxieties. Most have some transition rituals. Some act to shut off the brain. This could be watching shows, playing on the phone, or reading. I think many parents can forget that kids are, in fact, humans as well and may need a shutdown ritual of their choosing at bedtime.
Getting a glass of water for someone gives reassurance. Or it’s a fight if a child asking for a glass of water could is perceived as “stalling.” It is a way of asking for reassurance before they lie alone with their own fears and uncertainty.
They need a shutdown ritual, just like you. As drawn out as bedtime may feel, kids take less time to decompress and go to sleep than most adults unless the adults turn the need for reassurance into a fight and drag the whole thing out longer. Adults tend to do all types of silly things at bedtime. This can be where hurtful things are said. The adults are tired and looking forward to being “done” soon so they can start their decompression ritual. The kid's need for connection gets in the way of that.
This is a time to be generous with reassurance. Reading a bedtime story out loud and cuddling up is one of the best ways to connect and decompress at the end of the day. I have plenty of recommendations for books to read out loud to kids. It is incredible how little resistance is met and how much faster bedtime goes when we are generous with reassurance.
Frustration at the end of the day is so prevalent in so many families that I am planning a post dedicated to bedtime.
Reassurance is needed at other times of day and by people of all ages. Kids at bedtime are just a combination that makes the point quite clear. The song What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong has a powerful line:
“I see friends shaking hands
Saying how do you do
They're really saying
I – love - you.”
And that’s what we get to say; I love you- just by giving a little attention. This is easy when we understand that a person who needs reassurance is actually giving it.
When a child asks for a glass of water at bedtime, they are saying, “You take care of me no matter what time it is because you love me.”
When a spouse starts talking about problems or things that need to be done, they are saying, “You know how to fix this stuff. You're good at it, and sharing about it makes me feel better.”
When a friend needs help with something, they are saying, “I am unsure of myself right now. You know what you’re doing and seem solid enough for me to dump on.”
The challenge is twofold. First, recognize outbursts, tantrums, complaints, meltdowns, untimely requests, and dramatic catastrophizing by people of all ages in my life as a need for reassurance. Second, understand a need for reassurance as confidence in my ability to give it, and take that as a compliment. Remembering that they’re really saying, I – love - you.
Though your personal examples will probably differ from the ones I gave, the need for reassurance from you is not only a deep compliment but also reassures you that you are in a position to give. That is the best place to be, and to help stay there; I recommend being generous with your reassurance.