Master Your Vibe - Nonverbal Communication for Parents
Nonverbal Communication: What We Say Without Words
Ninety-three percent of communication is nonverbal. This figure has been cited by multiple studies, though, of course, the exact percentage is often debated. Critics argue it depends entirely on the situation.
Well, of course, it does. How could something so human be pinned down to a perfect number? The percentage itself doesn’t concern me much. My takeaway is this: the majority of what we put out into the world is conveyed through something other than our words — through body language, tone of voice, and all those unspoken signals.
This fascinates me as a writer. Those nonverbal elements must be written out and connected to each character with intention. I strive to bring that same care to my real-life communication, too. When writing, I carefully consider whether “huffed” is the best verb to show a character’s emotion. In day-to-day life, I’m rarely so intentional with my own huffing. Most of the time, an emotion leaks out unconsciously — and gets interpreted by others in ways I can’t fully control.
So I asked myself: Where do these unspoken signals come from? Even if ninety-three percent isn’t precise, it’s safe to say most of my expression bubbles up from somewhere else. But where? The mind? If so, which part?
Freud’s Three Parts of the Mind
Freud divided the mind into three parts: the conscious, the preconscious, and the subconscious. The conscious mind — the “tip of the iceberg” — holds the thoughts we’re aware of right now. The preconscious includes things not currently in our awareness but easily retrieved. Did you have any pets as a child? That answer came from your preconscious. You weren’t thinking about it before I asked, but it was there, waiting.
The subconscious is the bulk of the iceberg — the secrets of the soul. Freud believed this hidden mass must be allowed to surface if we want to stay mentally healthy.
So where does our nonverbal communication — our unspoken signals — bubble up from? Or leak out, as is often the case when I’m irritated but trying to stay polite? The obvious answer: all three.
The Conscious Mind: Intentional Nonverbal Cues
Think of a time when you were fully aware you were sending a message without saying it. Maybe you were thinking, “I cannot believe she thinks letting her kids [fill in the blank] is acceptable.” Then you deliberately let your tone of voice say what your polite words did not.
This technique is powerful. It delivers the jab without the accountability. If the other person calls you out, you can point to your exact words and blame their imagination, or your “being tired.”
The Preconscious Mind: Hidden Signals We Carry
What about when we do this unintentionally? Maybe you have a stressful day at work and carry that frustration home. You tell your family about your day, but the bulk of your message never gets spoken aloud. It’s your vibe — those unspoken signals that fill the room between the lines. Do people get the message right? Not always, especially children.
How Children Read Our Body Language and Unspoken Signals
Children live in the moment — an incredible strength adults would do well to remember. But for a child living only in the present, encountering an aggravated parent means the cause must be now. What’s Dad doing right now? Hanging out with me. So he must be irritated with me.
This might sound self-centered, but “it has nothing to do with you” rarely helps. Kids aren’t overly self-centered — they’re developmentally appropriate. The two hemispheres of the brain don’t fully separate until around age seven. Abstract thinking — the ability to separate your mood from me — doesn’t fully mature until about age twenty-eight. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
A child can’t magically become less self-focused just because you explain your tone of voice or body language had nothing to do with them, any more than they could bench press three hundred pounds just because you showed them proper form.
Keep in mind: children relied on nonverbal communication and unspoken signals much more recently than we have. Their skill at reading the honest truth beneath our words is still razor sharp. Be careful not to project your grown-up ability to numb or ignore these cues. We can’t expect others to interpret our vibe the way we wish — only to accept what we’re transmitting and work to bring it closer to what we mean to say.
The Subconscious Mind: The Deepest Signals
What are we supposed to do about this layer? I can’t lie on a couch and do free word association before dinner with my family. Or can I?
I think this layer leaks out after a family visit that lasted a little too long. The conscious mind gets tired of being on good behavior. Old hurts slip through and get expressed without permission. This takes work to manage. It might mean journaling or talking with trusted friends — intentionally releasing pressure so those buried signals don’t surprise you later.
Beyond the Mind: Where Spirits Talk
Did we cover it all? All the places fueling our nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and unspoken signals? Not even close. We are physical, emotional, and spiritual beings. We emote powerfully from all these places — though the mind often pulls the trigger. But I believe spirits speak to spirits.
So now that you’re more aware of what you’re silently saying, you might feel powerless to control it. Don’t. There are ways to charge our nonverbal communication with intention. I’ll share some practical steps in my next article.
I also explore this on the podcast episode Nonverbal Communication — listen on Spotify or Apple Music.
The Final Word
In the end, words are only a fraction of what we say. The rest? That’s the place worth tending — the arena where real connection lives.