#009 Keep Your Friends Closer

Welcome back to Henry’s Cabin — where we explore the love of family that drives us, the stories that guide us, and the life experience that forms us. Is there a friend or family member you need to call? This week I discuss:

My intent and a disclaimer about discussing my parenting journey.

Keeping friendships healthy and alive with age.

The power of handwritten notes.

How we need accountability and critiques.

If you have questions, ideas, or want to share your own experience theriverghost@henrycoen.com

• Transcript

  Do you have a friend or family member whom you've thought, I should call them, and then you just don't? What's up? Welcome to Henry's Cabin. This is where I talk a little bit about parenting, I talk about my own journey of growth and try to share some things. Maybe it's helpful. Maybe it makes you think about some things. I even have a tagline. The love that drives us, the stories that guide us, and the life experiences that form us. So when I talk about those things, this is a little disclaimer. This is what made me think about it. I did a video, like a little social media video. It was just meant to inspire people to read bedtime stories. Kind of my whole thing. I've written a middle grade series. I am a big believer in that time. I think a lot of people focus on the literacy aspect, which of course it's helpful with that. My real focus is the connection aspect though, because at that time of day, especially kids go a little nuts. Some of them do. And I just said, you know, if you were to blow off bedtime stories tonight, it's not a big deal. No big deal. In the scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. Tomorrow night, you also blew off bedtime stories. Also, no big deal. No biggie. Night three, night four, eventually, they stop asking. And that's the end of bedtime stories. By that same line, if you are not a bedtime story reader, is taking ten minutes out tonight to read a bedtime story that big of a deal? Probably not. Would it be a big deal tomorrow night? Probably not. Three, four nights later, well, now you got a habit. Feels weird if you don't do it. If that goes on for years, you've developed a relationship that will last through the teen years. Now, my intent with that was to share my experience. You know, when I look back at years of reading bedtime stories and those connections and the amount of books we went through, chapter books, picture books, reading bedtime stories to three different age groups. I mean, it was an hour and a half, two hours of my evening routine. When I was tired, I didn't want to do it. And I look back and I'm grateful to me for doing that because of the relationships that were developed as a result of that, that are long lasting and that habit of daily connection. And I just wanted to share that. Like, hey, I'm really glad I did this. That's it. Those things and speaking in that way can be taken as shame, as shaming. You know, most of the comments were real positive. A surprising number of the comments were about literacy and speech. A lot of teachers said, I always know when a student's been read to. And that's great. I mean, I consider, obviously, I think speech and literacy are great. But I feel like that's more of a side effect. That the real reason to cuddle up and read a bedtime story is about a connection, is about that calming that jacked up nervous system at that time. And then, you know, you've heard the marital advice, don't go to bed angry. Why would you be any different with a child? You know, you don't want to go to bed angry with one another. Or that can happen very easily, especially when they're going crazy and it's like you're tired. everyone's tired things can things can get rough having that habit built in ensures that those last moments of the day are positive and connected so i'm just a believer in that uh but you know some of the comments about literacy great literacy is cool uh the connection kind of trumps all of that that's that's paramount to it all but the other some of the comments were thanks for the guilt thanks for the shit but not my intention so i feel like i need to give a disclaimer because there is an inverse relationship going on here. Young people will lay things out like they just know exactly what they're talking about. I think everyone's done this. Like, I learned this new thing and I know it and here's the deal with such brazen confidence. This is the way it is. As you get additional years and some additional decades, you tend to say more things like I've found or in my experience or you may find It's possible. It has been known to. You start to soften that confidence with those absolutes a good bit. To the point, you add a few more years, the humility goes up and the confidence in there being one way to do something goes down because you know better. But what happens as a result of that humility, you get someone in their 50s, 60s, they're keeping their mouth shut a lot. When really, we need to hear from them quite a bit. They have a lot of experience and a lot of wisdom. So, I feel I need to throw a disclaimer out. When I'm saying things like, here's how kids work, here's how parenting works, here's how... Preface that in your mind, if you must, with, this is my experience, this is what I found, this is what I've observed, I found this to be true on my journey. But I'm not telling you what to do. This is not a direction. None of this is absolute. There's always exceptions. But I do think it's important to share what's worked for me. Because it might be helpful. And out of love and out of wanting to be helpful, I feel it's important to share it. Because I'm very grateful to those that shared it confidently with me. It gave me something solid to hang on to. So that's all I'm doing. So I preface this whole thing by asking the question, is there a friend or a family member that you need to call? That maybe you've had the thought, I should call them. And then it just time goes by. And then maybe so much time goes by that it starts to get too awkward to call them. And you can't think of a reason why. And this happens, you know, when you're a kid, it's easy. If you're on the same street and within a few years of each other, you're friends. You know, I mean, typically that can work out. But the older you get, it seems like the list of requirements someone has to meet to be good friends gets a little tighter. You know, like, well, I don't agree with them this. I don't agree with them with this. And I don't agree with anyone on everything. I don't agree with myself from a few years ago on everything. Maybe even a few weeks ago, if I've had some discoveries and some growth. So having to, you know, the expectation I'm going to meet someone that I agree with on everything is, that's a bit of a, it's false, a bit of a protection. It's an excuse to stay alone and not jump into vulnerability and be challenged in that way. We can also have very adult relationships, meaning lacking vulnerability, lacking stepping out, lacking any confrontation. You know, a confrontation is good. Pointing out, like, why are you doing that? You're really, you okay? So if you have relationships that have elements of vulnerability and confrontation and challenge and depth, that's something worth keeping alive. And once in a while, there will be little opportunities to stoke that fire and keep it strong. And one of those is having that, I'm talking about this, I just stayed with close friends for a week. I'm just thinking, you know, keep your friends closer. And I think that gets more important as the number of friends you've had for decades. It starts thinning out, as can happen. You know, because, you know, friends for decades, it's not exactly a number that grows very often. It more kind of dwindles over time. So if you have some true friends like that, it's worth keeping that close. And these are friends in another state. So how do you keep that close? I talked about this last week, how 93% of communication is nonverbal. Texting is nice to keep the door open, but it lacks certain elements. It lacks an element of vulnerability and depth. Give a phone call when you would text about something. If you have a quick question where a text or an email would do, that's great. But that question serves as an excuse to make a phone call and keep that pathway open. Keep that connection open. You know, you may find that when you're just thinking about someone for no reason, they pop up. It's okay to call and say, hey, I was just thinking about you. How's that thing? How's this? Whatever. Where's that recipe? What was that thing that one time? And yes, it's okay to make an excuse. Just create a reason to call if you have to. But it's also okay to be honest, like, what's up? I haven't talked to you in a while. Just call to see how you were, checking in. What's up? You know, that can seem odd. But I think you'll find if you do that, you're not going to have someone angry at you for doing it. I don't think they're going to be offended and embarrassed and irritable with you for calling to say what's up. And I think you find quite the opposite. You know, it's like it's the middle school dance with the guys on one side, the girls on the other. It used to be a thing. And someone crosses the line finally and it loosens everything up and then it breaks the ice. You know, that can happen in a relationship, too. People can get stuck on their own sides of the gym. The longer that goes by, the more awkward it gets. So it's going to take it. You can also create thoughts in your head of why they're not calling. Well, shouldn't they do this? Shouldn't it all be fair? Shouldn't it all be equal? It's like, no, no, it doesn't have to be. No, not all people operate like that. You know, and maybe you need to lead the way. You know, maybe you need to be a little trailblazer. And maybe, you know, if I'm the one that's needing some connection and needing some friendships, maybe I'm the one that needs to put it out there. They could be fine. Maybe they have all kinds of friends. And I'm the one in need. So I can't put that on them. That seems like another reasonable excuse. Why not to make any moves to me? So I've really come to cherish these relationships and find myself wanting to put some extra depth into them, some extra effort. What does that mean? Phone calls rather than text. it could also mean handwritten Christmas cards rather than the standard and I did that and it's got some response like way more response than I thought like I got because I'm into fountain pens my daughter got a she said I want a fancy old time pen when she meant a fountain pen I knew nothing about them so we oh feather pen is what she said so we got this cheap set uh for for Chris it was like a feather and a bottle of ink and it was a mess is what it was i mean you're dipping it and there's ink all over our hands over the table of the paper it was a lot of fun but it was really i was like there's got to be a better way to do this so i looked into it like oh there's fountain pens like modern fountain pens and you can put your own little colors of ink in them and you can draw them into a little cartridge or you can put a little pre-made cartridge in there you can buy bottles and so there's all kinds of stuff this is really cool so then I got our fountain pen and then I got a fountain pen and we started writing letters on like good paper like real stationary like fancy cotton paper made to take the ink and putting them in envelopes this is also like a learning to write experience but for me it was just really fun too because I I got really into the stationary and picking it out and doing a wax seal we got and they still sell this stuff these these things are wax you heat it up and you melt the seal and you put your metal stamp on it and seal it and the u.s mail will take it it goes right through we've got fancy stamps you know you go to the post office and and they'll have like under the hood all kinds of cool stamps we got like otters playing in the snow for Christmas. Anyway, hand wrote Christmas letters, I guess. I guess they're not even Christmas cards anymore. Sent them out. And I also did letters just because, you know, because we're into letter writing and did that. The response I got was heavy. It was a big deal. People really liked that, you know, or print out a picture and put a note in it and mail it to someone. It's a physical memento and i think in a sea of digital it hits it hits different you know when i find letters from family members or friends that have passed uh there is there is something to you going through those old text but if you find a handwritten note it's different because that handwriting is like it's a piece of them physically that still exists uh even just the imprint on there that the the way they did it the ink they picked just it's it's a piece of them still and it also represents the time they took to craft that i used to get handwritten notes from from my grandmother and it's big deal you know and i wish i kept more you know i wish i had more of those now i know better i have a physical box that i put all cards and notes in and art you know kids art i love it um it's my main wish list item for Christmas Father's Day or maybe some art. I just want to keep physical art. That's such a piece of them. So that's another way. You know, there's probably different things like that. Thinking of someone when you're getting rid of something. You know, like we don't need this thing anymore. Should we just recycle it? What do we... It's like recycle. You just put it up for free on the bulletin board, whatever social media thing. You think of someone like, hey, I thought about you. I had this thing. Do you want, I can bring it to you. And that could just start a whole conversation. You know, maybe you don't know they're into it. But it's important. You know, that accountability is important. Meaning other people in my life that I've opened the door to saying things to me. And I have to, I have to very clearly open that door. Because the way it is, is if I'm not asking, people are not going to necessarily point things out. But I need some bumpers. And I need some correction sometimes. So I have to have a level of relationship with people where I'm inviting them to do that. Writing. In my writing, I participate in a critique group. You know, very talented writers. Quite a range. And different talents. You know, it's kind of like the breakfast club. Everybody has their own special skill that they bring to it. There's a woman that's particularly gifted with physicality in writing. How do you express what someone is feeling through what they're doing physically? And can you mix that up? You know, can you give us some variety here? Can we do something interesting where the reader can figure out what's going on emotionally? Great with that. There's someone else who is a grammar ninja. I mean, just better than just like an editor, just knows exactly, you know, all the rules, like an encyclopedic encyclopedic understanding of grammar rules and computers and things like really good with that. There's someone else that is particularly gifted with overall structure and you bring them all together and you get a lot of lessons. And something we really had to establish is bring it on. Be brutal. I want to know. You don't have to be all polite. Well, maybe you could consider. Because then I don't know. Tell me what you like. Tell me what's messed up. And really, just this doesn't work. And so we have established that relationship where we can really say, this is not like, I like this. This is messed up and needs to be fixed. And even they can argue with it a little bit. And I might say, no, this really, this needs to be changed. need to take a look at this. Sometimes there's an emotional reaction to that, but I think we all appreciate there's this pact almost, this understanding like we want that. We need that accountability and objectivity in our lives. So that's just with writing. What about with the rest of my life? Do you have that with other parents? Do you have some that you respect enough to go, here's what I'm thinking. What do y'all do with this? How am I handling this? Do you ever see each other, give a reprimand that's a little too harsh, and tell me, he's like, oh, you sure that was warranted? You know, maybe you need to say something later. Do you have those types of relationships? If you don't, that's okay. That's okay. You can create them. You can slowly create those. And how do you start those conversations? Easy. You go, so what do you do with this? Let me ask you something. And you could start with something light. What age do you do life jackets at the lake? Do you ever cut that? How do you handle this, them staying the night out with friends? At what age do you still have to meet the parents? What do you think of it? And just get some opinions. Then that door is wide. You may find that door opens quite readily. And that other person is more than happy to share their experience. And now they're going to head over to you at some point. You know what? I was curious about something that you do. How do you do this? And you can share those things. And now you have some accountability. Now, the love that drives us, our love for our kids is that bond with other parents. Okay? That's real. Whatever other stuff you believe, you know, whatever other areas of life that you're going to disagree on, And those will be ample. Okay, that's fine. Even in parenting, there's going to be ample differences. What do you think about bedtime? What do you think about this? What do you think about sugar? It's just going to be a mess. It's going to be all over the place. But the thing that is constant is the love for our kids. That's real. And when you're asking for objectivity, that's what you get. Is that real genuine caring allotted time. Oftentimes, that's what you get, I should say. Sometimes, of course, you're going to get the occasional person that takes advantage of you. of the moment to impose what they think the world should be. And that just tells you how close do I want to be in this relationship? How close do I want to be to this person? And you have some information now. Maybe you need to keep fishing. You know, keep looking, keep, keep searching social groups till you find someone that fits for you. Out of your current circle of friends, I would recommend evaluating, are there people that I was close to that I drifted apart from? And how simple would it be to rekindle that? And you're not going to do it all at once. You're not going to make a single phone call and make up for years of neglect. But you could trend in the right direction over time. You know, you could slowly meander back from whence you came. And it actually had more depth because I think people are a little hungrier for it as they realize, oh, we're getting older. Our friend group is getting pretty particular. And I think with that humility, like I spoke about earlier, As you start to gain years and decades and humility, because the amount of times you've been wrong, the vulnerability can go up as well. If it doesn't, it can really shut down. But I think the natural trend with humility, humility being the opposite of being egoed out, having such an ego and thinking you know it all, with that comes some vulnerability because you're not protecting your ego anymore. If you're humble and you know you have things to learn and you're more open, well, you naturally become a little more vulnerable, which is the result of security, funny enough. So if you get with some other people and you're able to be vulnerable, that tends to get returned as well. So it is a little different than elementary school, you know, running over, hey, you're a kid too, let's go play. It takes a little more finesse, it can be a little scarier even, but God, it pays dividends. And I also think it's essential. It's essential for health, for all types of health. It's essential for accountability. It's essential to have something to look forward to. Now, you can say, I'm fine. Yes, you can be fine for a long time without that until you're not. And that could creep up quite suddenly where you really need people and the bank is just dry. You have no establish connections like that so overall um and i'm saying this out of my own experience i'm saying this out of love for uh people out there that find themselves a little bit alone if you if there's little embers burning out there anywhere go tend you know yes it'll be a little scary and maybe even like ripping a band-aid off pressing that last digit on their phone number to call them for no reason. But God, I really believe it's worth it. I really believe it's worth it. You know, and set an alarm. Set a calendar date. Make the phone call. They'll see the missed call. Leave a voicemail like a big kid, you know, and say, just calling, not urgent. Just saying what's up, checking in with you. And then they know exactly the nature of the call when they call you back. Something worth building on, you know, certainly something worth building on. And right now, I'm just in such a state of gratitude, having stayed with some close friends that are the type that I won't see for six months, a year, and then I see them and it's like no time has passed. You know, those are things to be cherished for a long time. And they do take some maintenance and the maintenance is worth it. So that's it. My challenge for the week, make a phone call. You know, just, and you may have to reflect for a second. Who do I want to call? Who have I wanted to call and just blown it off so long that I even forgot about it? Once you figure out who it is, put that up in your mind, and then an excuse to call them, or a reason, will float up. It just will. And when it does, jump on it. So I'm getting my ukulele out. That means it's time to wrap this up. But before I do, I am in the query phase with the middle grade series or really just the first book, you know, because you're not supposed to say it's a series yet. It freaks people out. If you would like to join the newsletter, I'd really appreciate it. And I'll give you updates on when the book's coming out, what's going on. I plan to publish traditionally. It depends on what kind of response I get from agents. Also, if you want to read about any of this in a blog post form, henrycoen.com. H-E-N-R-Y-C-O-E-N.com. If you want to email me, theriverghost at henrycoen.com. I'll spell out exactly like it sounds. It's in the show notes if you have a hard time. I don't want to say it all right now. So pop in. You can subscribe and hear when I put these out. I aim to either quit completely or do it every week. I haven't made up my mind yet.tion text goes here