Gratitude as a Skill part 4 – Power Tools for Rebuilding Your Attitude

For some of us, gratitude does not come so quickly. If you have been following this series and grasp the concepts intellectually but still find yourself all too often in self-pity or anger, here are some tools that will help. Here are some power tools. Heavy hitters to disrupt the status quo. First, let’s map out why it can be challenging to change your attitude.

Predisposition

So why do some struggle with gratitude? This could be for several reasons. There are natural elements to personality—genetic predispositions to certain personality traits. I had known that this was accepted in psychology but was a little skeptical because it seemed to take away ownership. The type of scientific fact that could be used to justify resigning to bad behavior. This is very dangerous and often gets abused. 

Seeing how different my children are, even as babies, has shown me the truth element in this. However, there is still plenty of room for ownership. It is not a bad thing to have to develop an item. I had to work to buy my first car, and I took better care of it than my friends who had one bought for them. I watch young athletes with the natural ability get surpassed by those without the raw talent that had spent the past years developing technique while the other was coasting: yin and yang. There are positive and negative aspects to having or not having a natural aptitude. I am good in a crisis. I know how to deal with depression. These are assets. Those skills did not come quickly. If you have not experienced darkness, you probably would not be reading about gratitude. 

You will end up doing work in some areas. That’s what we came here to do. It is worth embracing. The more work it takes to achieve, the more you will value and maintain it.

Rearing

Some grew up with some terrible examples set. No demonstration of gratitude. Alcoholic or addict parents. Abuse. Uninvolved or absent parents. Many that put effort into positive change are looking to break the cycle. Suppose this is the case; you are not doomed to become your parents. I am sure you know a family with multiple children. The kids are parented the same way. They go to the same schools. Maybe they are close enough in age to have the same friends. And one sibling goes in one direction, while others go in a completely different direction. Incredible examples come out of the worst circumstances.

Once in a while, I will meet someone with such a giving nature and a grateful heart. It seems they were just born with a bit of extra-life energy or something. I see them take time to talk to strangers and help people when no one is looking. They always seem to go the extra mile. When I get the opportunity to get to know these people a little deeper, it almost always turns out that they have come from bleak circumstances or had an unusually rough childhood. They have a point of reference, and even though things are better now, they have not forgotten. Turbulent times can give a personal perspective into how wonderful every day is.

You Can Not Criticize Yourself Into Changing. 

So why don’t we all change when we tell ourselves to? We know it’s better and realize we would be happier, but we still end up doing and saying things that we wish we would stop. 

Part of the reason for this is that we get certain payoffs from these behaviors even though we say we want to change them. We tend to use a level of self-dishonesty to protect ourselves from the discomfort that a confrontation with this level of ownership would bring. 

When we get a payoff from a behavior, that becomes a reinforcer. That means mental and emotional states like self-pity or anger can be addictive. You cannot criticize yourself out of a behavioral or cognitive pattern. That self-criticism becomes part of the cycle.

Power tool 1 - Inventory the Payoffs

Let me pick an example. A simple one. Since this series is about gratitude, and the focus here is on power tools to rebuild your attitude, what aspect needs to be rebuilt? It needs to be removed entirely, like a windowsill nose with so much dry rot. If we remove the rotten windowsill nose, water and insects will enter the space created, and the newly exposed timber will rot.   

If you internally yell at yourself to stop a pattern, or some behavior, even if you succeed in repressing whatever it is through sheer willpower, you leave a gaping hole. Something will fill the void. If you erase a negative, the opening will fill itself with another, more polite, harder to identify and deal with negative. One that you can still lie to yourself about for a while.

For this reason, you must be clear about what you will fill the void with. How about a nice piece of Spanish Cedar? Don’t just grab a cheap piece of pressure-treated pine when your options are unlimited. In our case, the Spanish Cedar, we will fill our void with gratitude. Gratitude is a behavior, a way of speaking, and an attitude.

So, what’s the rotten wood? Well, what’s the opposite of gratitude? Of course, there are creative antonyms like ungrateful, but I don’t think it is the same for everyone. For some, the rotten wood is self-pity. For some, it’s justified anger. For others, it’s depression. Maybe you have just gotten a little cold and disconnected.

What is the pattern you wish would go away? Let’s say it’s self-pity. Of course, most try to dress it up and hide it. Let’s say you love to share with your spouse how this person at work is an idiot and somehow gets more money than you. As you tell the stories and feel a sense of justified anger, there is also a sense of superiority. The superiority feels good. Not good like you just helped someone, but the thrashing of this person’s character delivers some instant gratification. It is unearned. Maybe the person you are sharing with starts to defend you, which feels good too. Perhaps you just needed some reassurance. Is there a more honest way to ask for it? Now I did start by saying let’s look at self-pity, and what I am describing is barbed gossip, but if we are willing to get a little uncomfortable and look, we may see the self-pity hidden underneath.

Maybe we think we may not be as good as the other person. Perhaps we wish we had a bold personality that gets attention. Whatever the case, it is worth some exploration. Just inventory it. If you have someone you can talk to in your life, do that. But it would help if you prefaced it with an explanation. “Okay, you know that person I’m always complaining about. I want to figure out what about that situation bothers me.” Otherwise, they may join in bashing this person, thinking they are supportive.

If you do not have someone like this to talk to, or you do, but they are too emotionally involved, making them inappropriate to talk to about the specific situation, do some writing. You can’t just sit in a chair and think about it. It takes a level of organization of your thoughts.

Here is an example of this. 

“I don’t like this person. It’s unfair the attention and money they get. 

Why does that bother me? They get paid more when I am smarter and do more work. 

Is that true? If it was, then why would that be? 

Because they have loud personalities and take credit for everything.

Do I wish I had a big personality? Am I jealous? Am I scared to ask for a raise?

Yes. I am. All types of things would be uncomfortable to say that need to be said.”

So, the payoff in this example is that it is easier to be mad at someone, to have a scapegoat, a distraction, than be left with confronting this fear. Why? Because if we are self-honest with what we are scared of, then running away and hiding from it becomes a conscious decision. That makes us uncomfortable because then we know the situation we find ourselves in is actually because of us rather than another person. We could do something about it, but we choose not to because we are scared. Knowing that makes us uncomfortable. Self-honesty can be difficult. Do not assume that you would not lie to yourself. When you lie to other people, you are usually aware of it, but not so when you lie to yourself.

Name your fears. Figure out the payoffs for what you do that you say you want to stop doing. Then fall in love with the yields of being honest and living in gratitude. Make a trade. But to truly make a trade, you have to look honestly at what is being exchanged.

“I like being mad at this person because I get to feel superior and don’t have to look at what I am scared of. I like that. It does come with some ill effects, however. If I were to live in gratitude for my job, for getting paid, period, for life, I would feel good. Others would feel good being around me. Maybe this would make me stand out a little more as well.”

Seems like a good trade. With a nice, clearly defined piece of Spanish Cedar ready to go, it will be much easier to tear out that rotten wood.

Power Tool 2 – Cleanse Negative Influences

Trying to rebuild your attitude while being emersed in an environment full of people and media that reinforce the very thing you are trying to change is like swimming upstream. You will exert a lot of effort and not get anywhere. Oh yeah, and eventually drown.

Start small. Do you look at social media? Do an audit. How much of your feed hooks fear or anger to get content interaction? More comments, even negative ones, trigger the algorithm and enhance the account holder’s views. It is much, much easier to get interaction by hooking people with things that trigger fear or anger. I’m not even getting into the other major category, but you get the idea.

Positive posts do get interaction but not nearly as much. As a result, social media feeds generally end up with the most content increasing our fear and anger.

Do a digital cleanse. Go through every account and honestly ask, does this help or hurt me? Unfollow accordingly. Then find your Spanish Cedar. Go on a quest for accounts that will lift you and give you strength throughout the day.

Look at the other media you put into your head as well. Is it scary? Cynical? Maybe it is a popular book or a show, but you have an adverse reaction to it. Remember, we love our payoffs. Get ready to make a trade.

Finally, take a look at the people in your life. Maybe some major overhauling needs to take place. Do you want to be like the people you hang out with? Do they challenge you? Trying to swim upstream here is always a losing endeavor.

At the very least, choose the right person to talk to about a particular subject. If you are angry with someone, try to go to someone that doesn’t know them and can stay objective to discuss it. Don’t go to someone you know who would make things worse by helping you feed your superiority addiction.

At the very least, explain to the person you talk to that you want to be in the solution. Be clear that you are trying to snap out of anger or fear, not get back up and dive further in.

Power tool 3 - Give

The final power tool I will discuss here is the most powerful. It will bring you to a better place today. It always works. The benefits are far-reaching and compounding.

Give to others. 

I mentioned self-pity as being the opposite of gratitude earlier. Also, I included being self-righteous. Self-centeredness and self-deprecation are also void of gratitude. See the pattern?

Get out of self. Find someone to help. You will not have to look hard. And here is a significant factor. The more anonymously you can be helpful to someone, the better it will pull you out of a bad place. Otherwise, you may find yourself seeking, or at least keeping tabs on, credit, and we are back to ourselves.

Even if you are helping around the house, do it from a place of selflessness. Don’t worry about who always does what. Look at it as an opportunity to take care of what you are grateful for and heal yourself by focusing on being helpful.

Read a bedtime story enthusiastically with feeling and enjoy that moment. You will still be getting to bed at the same time whether you have fun reading or make it a chore.

Grab a shopping cart from a mom trying to wrangle kids into a minivan and take it back for her. Say something nice to the jerk at work. But mean it.

Now don’t worry if anyone notices or if karma somehow rewards you for being so good. That is a distraction from the point. The mistake many make is thinking that working on yourself means thinking about yourself a lot. It is a little counterintuitive. Think about yourself less. The act of giving itself empowers you. Giving puts you in a place where instead of swimming upstream, you harness the power of the current in your life.

Application Daily

There are three major power tools to help you give your attitude an overhaul. There are more to come, but this is an excellent starting place. Trying to take on too much at once is a setup. Just gently put some effort in every day. The changes will come gradually over time.