Gratitude as a Skill part 3 - Explain it to me Like I’m a Five Year Old
Gratitude Activity
Leading up to this past Thanksgiving, my wife started a new tradition for our family. She bought some craft foam precut in the shape of autumn leaves. They were the colors of fall leaves, orange and yellow. She then explained something she wanted to try to do with our kids.
Each night when we sit down to dinner, she brings a leaf, a sharpie, and tape. Everyone says something they are grateful for. These things are then written on the leaf, and the leaf is taped to the glass doors and windows next to the table where we eat. All the kids immediately took to this, having fun. All ages. It was presented as a fun thing and not something that had to be done—no guilt involved. No pointing out “how lucky you are" or any shame. This is an outstanding practice when trying something new yourself as well. Just drop the guilt as a motivator; it helps a lot.
For the particular things that each person selects to go on the leaf, there is no judgment, no trying to get the kids to pick something better. Rather than giving suggestions, we lead by example. Establishing the habit is the goal, not being done to our standards. It is supposed to be fun. If you choose to do this and it’s not fun, you are doing it wrong.
If you live alone, this is an excellent practice as well. You may choose to use a journal rather than leaves, but I think it would be fun to explain to any visitors why your window is covered in craft foam leaves.
Now, if you have a family, but you are the only one in your family that wants to do this, no problem. Just do it by yourself. You don’t have to announce it or make a speech every time you do it. Quietly take a leaf, write something as everyone starts eating dinner, and tape it up when you’re done. And you can’t emote shame and guilt silently to everyone around you for not being into the cool new thing you’re doing, either. Trust me, leading genuinely with no expectation put on anyone else is much more powerful than trying to persuade anyone. Trying to make everyone else excited about what you are into would not be fun, which would kill the purpose. You would just come across as controlling, and even if you got them to do it, it might just be to get you to stop talking about it. Because of this, they would miss out on the benefit.
The idea is to understand gratitude and instill a habit of looking at the world from that place. For all of us.
When practicing with kids, there are bound to be some awkward attempts and complete misses along the way. I realize how easy this is to do. I had not learned how difficult the concept of gratitude is to grasp until I was asked to explain it at a five-year-old level. I was not getting away with a simple “stuff you’re thankful for.”
Defining Gratitude
Looking at gratitude quotes from all types of people across a period ranging from modern pop stars to ancient proverbs, it is clear that the concept of gratitude is more profound than something that can be defined in a few sentences. The best definition has come from spending time with people who approach life with a grateful heart. It is defined clearly nonverbally. It is most profoundly expressed in how they treat those around them, especially strangers.
Watching my two-year-old lovingly hold a baby doll, she clearly understands what a mother’s love is. What nurturing is. She could not explain it verbally, but her gentle demonstration is more telling than a collection of words, even more so because she is of an age where the expression is genuine.
Yesterday she found a tiny baby dinosaur toy. It was her older sister, but she knew that it had a mother somewhere. She set out to find it so that they could be together and the baby would feel safe. She understands all this from her own experience. Not an explanation.
Some concepts cannot be entirely defined with words. Some can’t be explained with words at all. Poetry and music can touch the next level of explanation, as can well-told stories. However, even with great examples like these, they will only resonate with those that have some experience with gratitude.
Lead by Example
So how do I explain gratitude at a five-year-old level? Nonverbally. I try to lead by example. And not in the bad actor way of very loudly saying how grateful I am for something with the barb of shame and control behind it. Just as if you are a single-family member writing on a leaf, leading by example has to be genuine. You truly must let go of what everyone else is doing or even if you think they are paying attention. Could you do it for yourself? Trust they see and feel more than you give them credit for. Whether it be your kids, spouse, friends, or strangers that notice the vibe you put out and how you carry yourself, try to persuade on purpose and repel any interest and invoke rebellion.
My two-year-old has a clear grasp of the definition of motherhood because she has a mother. It has never been explained. I must adopt gratitude as a way of life. This has to be in me even when I think no one is looking. I have found my children to be quite tuned in. It seems like they have psychic powers.
Non-verbal Communication
I have seen scientific studies citing that only 7% of communication has to do with the words used. 38% is vocal, or the tone of how the words are expressed. The remaining 55% is attributed to body language. This is the reason for emojis and why so much is lost in translation through text. I don’t buy that 55% is body expression and facial cues. I think a large part that is not included because it could not be measured in observable behavioral terms; psychic, emotional, or whatever you want to call it.
Spirits talk to spirits. We emote—some stronger than others. We leak our spiritual condition, positive or negative. My children pick up attitudes and ways of thinking that I have not expressed in front of them.
The Hundredth Monkey Effect
The hundredth monkey effect is a concept that came from Dr. Lyall Watson, who studied monkeys in Japan in the 1050s. He later published a book, and the science has been questioned, but the story illustrates the point. Before eating, a young monkey decided to wash the sand off her sweet potato in a stream. She showed her mother, who then also washed her sweet potato. This process was then shown to other monkeys until the hundredth monkey washed their sweet potato before eating it. When this crucial number was reached, all the monkeys just knew intuitively it seemed how to wash their food first. The way I heard it, the monkeys on a separate island started to wash their sweet potatoes at that point as well. This may be an embellishment, but that’s how you make a good story.
The conclusion was that information could be passed on through mental energy. I believe it is energy deeper than just mental. That can be pretty limited. And intelligence doesn’t matter when transmitting. It is a concept that would come under criticism in a scientific study, but it’s a good story to illustrate the point. Unlike the hundredth monkey, in our own family or close group, it only takes one to start transmitting in a way that gets received and mimicked.
Your Attitude Can be Contagious.
Even moods can spread like a cold. Ever felt it when someone you care about was down, trying their best to hide it? Then you try asking what’s wrong, and they tell you nothing. Maybe they say it cheerfully and act a little hurt that you would accuse them of being anything less than fine. Then perhaps you are worried. Are they hiding something? Am I crazy? Your mood has now changed and may spiral even worse. Fears can lead us to the worst assumptions, and self-centeredness may have us wondering what we did to upset them. This is a simple example that could happen in a few minutes. The inner world we harbor on an ongoing basis has a profound effect on those around us.
Think of a time when you were in a bad mood. Maybe you slammed some things around or said something nasty about someone else. Then you noticed someone noticing you. If they were very young, it could have looked scary. You do not get the same pass to throw a fit the way they do because you are an adult. Maybe you said you would do better by no longer acting out like that. The point here is that avoiding negative is, of course, good, but adding positive has a lot of power. Consciously practice gratitude with the added motivation of knowing that your attitude will be absorbed by others even when you don’t intend it. Living a thing is the most potent explanation.
Putting Words on it is the Final Step.
So, the process of explaining gratitude to a five-year-old, or really anyone of any age, is to live out of gratitude. Express gratitude as it comes. Have gratitude in your heart. That’s the majority of it. Then when it comes time to explain it using words, the child or person who has been around you will have experience with gratitude. They will recognize the feeling. They have seen gratitude expressed as an action and as giving. In seeing how you treat others. The way you are taking care of your things and the people that you are grateful for. See how gratitude is a multi-dimensional concept? Well, so is the idea of a mother, and my two-year-old understands that one.
They already understand gratitude if you have demonstrated it genuinely; now, after getting a verbal explanation, they just have a label to put on the verbal, emotional, and spiritual concepts. The verbal explanation is actually the final piece to put in place. Like a toddler tucking in a baby doll and giving a gentle kiss, very young children understand these concepts more deeply than most adults that have forgotten. Putting words on it will never do it justice or fully express the concept. This is why I think gratitude gets explained in so many ways, from so many angles.
So, the challenge to me is actually to live how I would want them to live. It is an expression of love for them that, in turn, is self-love as well. I will do things for them I just would not do for myself, including genuinely adopting gratitude. There is no hack for this. No shortcut. We can write on craft foam leaves, explain gratitude, and give examples, but without actual demonstration, it just turns into a lecture. A lecture that is boring and preachy because there is no substance behind the words.
The explanation of gratitude was still given when we set up the gratitude leaf project. We have fun making our gratitude leaves. It puts focus on developing gratitude for everyone. But the depth of defining it, the other 93% that is nonverbal, is done through actually being grateful. The words are just a labeling system. A point of reference so that we can identify which concept we are referring to.
We are Always Teaching
I explain things all the time whether I want to or not. Think of the statement, “be the change you want to see in the world.” A cynical view may think this means simply that the world is too much to take on, so you might as well just focus on yourself. Focus on what you can change.
If you change, it does influence those around you. They will, in turn, have an effect on others. This changes the world. It may be impossible to measure, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. Be the change you want to see in the world. In your family. In your circle of friends. It is actually the most impactful thing you can do. If just one monkey around you observes how grateful you are and how others feel better being around you, they will mimic it. They may not even realize they are mimicking it; we do this unconsciously all the time. Now you have just doubled the number of people putting that out in the world. Or in the family. At some point, self-pity will be the odd man out. It will spread.
The Multiplier Effect
Now if you do have a partner, it is, of course, best to have them in on this. When parents are united, it is a force multiplier. The effect is synergistic. This means the power you have emotionally when united on an idea is more than one plus one equals two. And in addition to this, having the person you love on your journey of practicing gratitude with you also adds accountability. You will get tired and slip. They will get tired and slip. The complaints will begin along with the angry or defeated tone of voice. Hopefully, not at the same time because one of you can say something to the other and hopefully break them out of the spell. The slippery slope of “just venting”. Just venting with an audience much younger without the life experience or understanding of context does not see or hear venting. They feel the anger and interpret it with an undeveloped understanding. Remember, venting is something you do while seeking a solution with an appropriate person in the right setting. What often is justified as venting is usually seeking sympathy or a partner to commiserate with. Or sneaky punishment. Your partner can also be a force multiplier in a negative sense as well. It is best to discuss and let each other know that you are open to hearing a reminder when you drift off course into negative or angry territory. You also have to commit to responding well when your partner does give you that nudge rather than snap at them. It is not enjoyable to try to help someone stay on track with something they told you they wanted to do, only to have your head bit off for the effort.
So how do you explain gratitude at a five-year-old level? Or any age, even an age that predates the ability to speak? By being grateful. By practicing it. The best lessons and the ones that are taken in the most deeply by the ones closest to us in our lives, especially children, are the lessons that we live by every day.