Gratitude as a Skill Part 2 - Practice

Here is a story that will help you if you feel discouraged because you tend to be negative even though you tell yourself to be grateful. And when I say be grateful here, I mean in practice. How you speak and act, even internally. Feelings come and go.

We went to a cabin for the weekend for my daughter’s thirteenth birthday.  We did this because that’s what she wanted to do.  She did not want a party.  She wanted to be in the mountains with her family, including her grandparents.

Well, this was an easy sell to the rest of us.  Another request she had was that I bring my guitar.  I let her know that with four kids, two dogs, and all our stuff, including a cooler and other food for the long weekend, crammed in a minivan, there would not be room.  So, she rode the entire way, holding an acoustic guitar in her lap.  Adapt and overcome.

She asked me to play, and I did.  And then I noticed her attempting to play.  She plays bass a little and commented on how thin these strings were.  They are.  Guitar strings cut right into your fingers if you have not built up callouses.

I showed her a few chords, and she attempted a few changes.  She had the shapes down on the second try, which sounded good for a second.  I was impressed by how quickly she memorized what I showed her.

Then those thin guitar strings started to hurt.  Tender fingertips can only press down for so long.

Even though we can grasp a concept intellectually quite quickly, it takes time and consistency to build up the proper callouses to play well.  Also, we may know where our fingers are supposed to end up in our minds, but it takes some practice for our bodies to do what we want.  Add timing, and another element will take repetition over some time for us to get comfortable with.

It is just going to be awkward for a little while.  Anything new can be.  Any change will be.

I understand the benefits of acting and speaking in gratitude.  I know well the detriment of self-pity and justified anger.  It does not take anyone very long to realize that it would be valuable to practice gratitude.

However, after realizing that gratitude is needed and deciding to practice it as a skill, it will take time to make a shift.  I have felt inspired by something and decided, okay, from now on, I will – only to have the feeling of inspiration fade as well as the change I had been so determined to make permanent fades as well.  That’s the problem with looking at gratitude as a feeling.

The feeling is the result.  Not the initial motivator.  If I started out feeling good, it would be pretty easy to take grateful actions all the time.  I would just be doing what I felt like.  But usually, I need to use this as a tool when I am not feeling it—or even spiraling into a dark place. 

Practice means simple, consistent actions based on gratitude.  It means asking myself - if I DID feel grateful right now, how would I speak?  What would I do?  How would I talk to myself in my thoughts?

Aim for that, and the feeling of gratitude will come at some point.  But the real payoff is that I do good things, which produces better results.  This bleeds out to others in my life in ways I may never know the full extent of.  The feeling is a bonus.

There will be episodes of backsliding.  And just like trying to play the guitar too long with tender fingers, you may end up doing more harm than good if you believe causing yourself pain by yelling at yourself quietly inside your head will help your progress.

This is not one that you can muscle through.  If you play until your fingers bleed, you may be unable to play for a while afterward.  Then you end up practicing less overall than if you had just taken it easy and been consistent.  Trying to change yourself all at once while being frustrated may result in even more frustration when the results don’t come quickly enough.  Then the people around us tend to pay for it whether we realize it or not.

Practicing the guitar briefly every day is better than a long session once in a while.

So, as you go through the day and realize your internal or external words are negative, cynical, or abundantly used to point out the shortcomings of others in the world – rather than getting mad at yourself for not getting it yet, start to correct out loud gently. 

It’s a win.  Realizing you are off course is challenging to do so well for you.  If someone else points out that you are off course, it means you have someone who cares enough for you to say so.  It’s not fun to point those things out to people.

The point is to practice every day.  Not picking up a guitar for the first time, trying to play until you’re in pain, then deciding after a few days you’re no good and calling it.

Gratitude is one worth sticking with for the long haul.